As my family and I were returning from Taiwan after a month of travelling to the U.S. and other parts of Asia, I was never happier to see my beautiful island in an aerial view. I missed my home. I missed the smell of the salty air, the smell of hot soba wafting through our quiet neighborhood and most of all, I missed my house. My bed was calling me the entire time I was gone and suffering with deep respiratory problems while in CA. I missed my "oldies" from the Japanese nursing home that the kids and I visit every week, particularly during the New Year when not everyone has family come and visit them. I consider myself their stand-in family and missed them terribly.
I was reminded of how I missed routine and predictability. I love exploring new and mysterious places, especially with my own cadre. My husband and 2 Littles are the best adventurers! Nevertheless I longed for familiarity and rest.
I had endured all year through more deployments than I can count on both hands, more sleepless nights and exhausting weeks turned into months. I persevered all for the hope of finding rest on our "vacation". I never found that rest except for 65 minutes in the entire month we traveled. The first 5 minutes were when I was listening to the band Sigur Ros's 'Glosoli' while driving into the snow-covered Yosemite National Park to celebrate our 8 year anniversary where it all began.
This song is so deeply tied to my peace that when it's hot and humid on my tropical island, I very often listen to Glosoli and put my head in the freezer, taking myself back to the top of the Yosemite Falls looking down on the earth through the light milky green snow melted waters that pour over the side and freeze back into snow before they hit the valley floor.
The other 60 minutes were in the Silks Place Hotel in Taroko Gorge in Taiwan where I pampered myself to an hour deep tissue massage. It is a mental discipline I need to work on to shut my brain OFF during moments like that, but I managed to quiet my mind for a little while at least.
While we spent time here and there and everywhere with family and friends and holiday obligations, I couldn't help but think of how it must have been 2000 years ago in the typical familial culture. How villages communed with one another and how family life might have been compared to now.
For the longest time I have felt like this military lifestyle has not afforded me the foundational necessities required to have a quality life, but not in the way that one might expect. I miss having older women around me. Wiser, more seasoned women to look to even if just to gain a little inspiration or motivation that life with Littles and the chaos of certain seasons is do-able. Being transient does not afford me to live near family or long-time friends that support one another. I believe God intended women to have family and the family unit to be connected to the community unit to support the raising of the next generation. They say no man is an island but living on one for 6 years and attempting to raise two small children with no back-up and a husband that is deployed most of the year means that this mama is the hands, the feet, the labor force, and hopefully the loving nurturer and fulfiller of all needs. It is impossible to fulfill every duty that falls on my shoulders and I can finally say that after years of prideful denial and a do-it-all-myself attitude.
I have longed for home for at least 8 years now. Home is not necessarily where my biological family is but where my spiritual family is. Where that sense of community and support and security can be found. This flower has been wilted and scorched for years and it is my prayer and expectation that in our next adventure we will finally find "home". A place to rest and recharge our family.
My prayer for our family and other transient military families that may feel the same way is that you would ask God for the things that are "home" to you and try to really assess what your family needs to be nourished in this way. Sometimes we are so depleted and for so long that we don't even know what we need to be revived. God has always been our pack leader and has always guided every location we've lived and ever mission we've been assigned to and now is no different. We are exiting the military in the summer of 2014 and I am looking forward to seeing what God has for our family. Where, what, when, who, why, and the new mission assignment. I will surely miss my tropical rock here in Okinawa, Japan but we are looking ahead to finding "home".
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